There are moments in your life when everything clicks into focus. You spend weeks, or months, or years going about your life, and then one day, BAM - everything as thought you saw it becomes much clearer, and all you want to do it make changes.
I had one of those moments recently. I've spent years upon years pursuing one career. Deep down I was always second guessing myself, feeling insecure about this, wondering if I could do that, so on and so forth. I've continued plugging along, convincing myself that it was the right thing for me; that it was my PASSION. Then about a year or so ago, I started to question that seriously. I know that general field brought me undeniable joy, but was my specific path really what I was born to do?
I spent the next year doing a sort of "science experiment" on myself. I took surveys of what I was doing, quantifying data and looking at the facts. I didn't make any hasty decisions, as I know different seasons, work patterns, and many other things can contribute to how you are feeling on any given day. I talked things over extensively with loved ones, constantly playing devils advocate with myself. I wasn't sure that this is what I really wanted to do, but at the same time, how could I do anything else? Could I see myself doing anything else? If I was feeling extreme passion in this field, was it when I was doing MY job? When I was working with someone else? When I was planning things in my head? What aspect of the field brought me joy??
Over the course of the year, that data started to speak more and more to me. I didn't let it influence my feelings when I was pursuing the career, but I definitely took note. I had no specific date in mind; I would know one day (be it 5 days or 15 years) that it was or wasn't right for me. I would certainly continue pushing forward until that day; sometimes in life you just need to bust through that roadblock!
Well, turns out that day did come. It became very clear to me that I was, in a sense, over it. Over my time pursuing it, I had come to realize that what I thought I had always wanted to do, is not, at the end of the day, what I believe I will be best at. There were certain personality traits and behaviors, and general life goals that just didn't match up.
I was very emotional for a few days. It felt like I was mourning the loss of my identity. Sure, there was a massive sense of relief since I knew that it was right, but everything in my mind that I identified with about myself was now changing; obviously for the better, but it was still hard.
I went on a short vacation home to my mom's house and had just what the "doctor" ordered. Time with family. Time with friends. Time away from my life to reflect for a few short days. I knew approximately what aspect of the industry I wanted to do, but what would be my process in getting there? Who knew. I didn't, but my mom urged me to just take some time to enjoy the summer! I, as a person, am always thinking. I'm always in my head planning 25 steps ahead, stressing out if I only have 24 steps planned.
I came back to the city so refreshed, ready to take the city by storm. I was renewed at work, taking major notice from my boss. It was like the vacation had given me the time to close that chapter, and excitedly flip the page to the next!
Now some of you might be wondering, is that chapter closed for good?
Is any chapter ever really closed?? I don't think so. Life is a book that we pick up, put down, re-read, skip ahead, go back and so on. At this time, I'm moving to the next chapter. Does that mean that one day, organically, I can't go back to that chapter if the universe points me there? I know that I can do that if I feel it is right.
The biggest thing that I am happy with is the sense of freedom and relief that has come from this decision. I have listened to my anal retentive inner voice and weighed all of the pluses and minuses of each side (yes, I'm a Libra!), and picked the column that better fits me.
I know that this is in no way me giving up anything. I am very proud of myself for having given it my all until the day that I knew it wasn't right. I'm very proud that at that moment, I was able to identify that feeling and confidently make my decision. I had done all the "research" anyone could possibly do. I had listened to myself through all the highs and lows, and picked what was right for me.
Do I know exactly where this is taking me? No. I have ideas and passions that I am exploring. I'm taking this as an opportunity to get to know myself even better, in this new chapter. I am bursting at the seams with excitement about the opportunities that will arise and the things I will accomplish and achieve in this new chapter!
I take this opportunity to urge everyone to take a moment to look at what you are doing in life. Don't ever feel trapped in something just because you have worked in it for years. On the flip side, if you are truly doing what you are passionate about, take a moment to be thankful that you have found your path!
Take this moment for you. It's never too late to look at your life and celebrate the things you have done, are doing, and the things that will come.
After a long hiatus here, we're back!
Excitedly,
T
